Motherhood {March 23, 2014}

I have been thinking a lot about motherhood lately. I keep finding all these things that I just have to laugh at, like the other night I was sleeping and rolled over to find a pair of baby shoes in my bed, or I was at the store looking for my wallet in my purse and pulled out 3 toy cars, or I started cleaning out my cabinets only to find a stock pile of gold fish crackers, animal cookies, fruit snacks, and baby food. It's been funny. I think I am feeling really nostalgic because Hayes is getting ready to turn one. It's a little weird to think back to what I was doing last year at this time, oh how times have changed. I slept through the night, I took a nap during the day, and I was GIGANTIC pregnant. How grateful I am to be on this end.

Being a mom is a hard thing. This may sound weird, but before Hayes was born I really thought I would be a better mom than I am. (Is that horrible?) I think I looked at it and said "I am a great aunt, I play with the kids, I teach them, I've fed them. I mean really, how much harder could it be?" I feel like I am constantly failing at being a mom. Every time Hayes gets sick or if we have a hard day, I find myself feeling disappointed with myself. I get frustrated too easily. I get lazy. I don't read to him all the time. I don't take him to the park every day. He has a messy face sometimes. His clothes get messy. He doesn't take good naps. I feed him treats. He probably spends too much time in the car running errands. I make Sam get up with him in the morning. I can't usually just rock him to sleep. I don't know how to do his hair, and the list goes on. I know that even the most perfect mom's get sick kids, or have bad days, but it feels like I should have done something better when it happens to Hayes. I feel the absolute worst when we are at home and I am (in my own definition) a lazy mom. When I sit on the couch and let him play, or let him have a messy diaper until we get home instead of changing him on the spot, I feel terrible. I lay awake at night and just beat myself up about it. I hate it, and I hate feeling like others feel the same way about me that I do.

I have to consciously tell myself, that its ok. I don't let Hayes sit in a messy diaper longer than just a few minutes, and its good for him to learn to play on his own. I supervise him and make sure he doesn't get hurt. At my core I love that kid more than I love anything else in this world, but I have to tell myself it's ok more than I care to admit. Do all mom's go through this? Do all mom's feel the constant sense of failure? It seems like when you become a mom  you gain all this additional attention and scrutiny from others as well from yourself. It's exhausting.

I love being Hayes's mama, and literally everything I do goes back to him and trying to make his life better. Even down to me getting back in shape, I use to want to get in shape for myself a, and now I want it so that I can do things with him and so he doesn't have a mom that he's embarrassed by. When I go to work, when I stay home, when I exercise, even when I eat- it literally all goes back to being a better mom for him.  I guess at the end of the day, it goes back to the old saying of "It's the thought that counts." because all of my thoughts go back to whats best for my Hayesie. I guess, I just need to hold on to that.