Pull up a chair

If there ever was a sweeter dog in the world, I have never found it. Gator is by far the best dog. He is so patient and good with Hayes. Hayes does just love him and tries to give him attention (even if its not the kind of attention Gator wants). They are a good duo, and very lucky to have each other. 

I love these two more than I can say. 

Sometimes being a mama is hard

I never really understood how hard being a mama was until recently. These "terribly twos" are starting a bit early and sometimes its really hard to get on the same pages as Hayes. Sometimes he's just ticked and there is no reasoning with him. I totally get that EVERYONE has bad days, even toddlers, you just never fully understand how someone else's mood can drastically change your whole day. When Hayes is having a bad day, our errands go out the window, the house becomes a disaster, and I literally spend most of the day just trying to please him.

This morning was one of those days. He woke up ornery. (again, I totally get that). Unfortunately, this morning I also woke up ornery and feeling pretty sorry for myself (lets be real, I'm still kind of there, even now). It was such a terrible combination. A bad day for a toddler, and a mama with a bad attitude and a morning that started two hours too early. It was not pretty. As the hours passed ( and it was hours because we were up at 7, which did not help) I got to thinking about how every time something happens in my life or to someone I care about, I always find myself thinking about how I would want Hayes to react or how I would want Hayes to cope or deal with that particular situation. I feel like what I do is going to directly effect what he does later. If I yell and scream and throw and fit when I get mad, most likely, he will think that's what you do and he will follow suit. I know that isn't always the case, but I would say most of the time it is. After he chucked a cup of water at me, threw oatmeal all over the kitchen, and then clawed my face, I was pretty much at my end. It was awful. It was awful to feel so frustrated with him. It was awful to feel like I needed a time out and so did he. It was awful to really have to take a minute to gain control of myself. The whole thing was just awful. On top of the awful, my guilty mama brain kept thinking, "What am I teaching him about hard days? What am I showing him? How would I feel if he reacted the way I'm reacting to his child?" Geez, those thoughts can get ya, you know?

I put him in his crib and shut the door for about 10 minutes. We both needed a breather. I tried not to say anything because I personally don't think you should do much talking when you're angry. Nothing good usually comes of it. I stayed quite and Hayes screamed his guts out. I went into my room, sat on the floor and just cried. I have cried before, but never because I was so done, and I'll tell you what, at that moment, I was SO done. I cried because I felt like such a failure as a mom. I have cried because I don't get to be home with him. I have cried because I was worried about it. I have cried because I am so grateful for him. I have cried because he was hurt or sad or scared. I have cried because I loved him so much, but I have never cried because I was so mad at him. Mad is the wrong word, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed with him. It felt awful to feel that way. At that moment I felt like all the of time I have spent trying to be a good working mom and for all the times I have tried to work less so I can be here more was in vain. I honestly thought, that if I let one bad morning get me so frustrated and down, then why am I trying. I literally just sat on the floor crying and then prayed It was all I could think of. I prayed for help. I prayed for peace. I prayed for my Heavenly Father to take away my frustration. I prayed for Hayes to calm down. I prayed that I could get over this bad morning. I prayed for guidance on how to make this better. I prayed to not feel like such a failure. I prayed for hope that things would get better.

Within a few minutes I honestly felt better. I wasn't quite so mad. I wasn't quite so frustrated. I felt WAY more in control. That's when I got to thinking about what I would want Hayes to do if he was me. I don't want to teach him that days like this never happen. I don't want to teach him that everyday is walks and parks and play time. I don't want to teach him that yelling or getting angry is how you deal with frustration. That got me to thinking about what I do want to teach him. I want to teach him to take ten minutes. I want to teach him to pray for help. I want to teach him to say sorry. I want to teach him to make things right when you get frustrated. I want to teach him to find ways to cope when you do feel that way. I want to teach him that bad days happen, but they also end. I want to teach him that one bad day does not mean a bad life. I want to teach him that things get better, and that people can change their attitude and change the way things look. I want to teach him that everyone has struggles, and everyone has a choice on how they deal with them. I want to teach him that the only thing he has control over is how he copes with the frustrations he is faced with. I want to teach him that learning to cope with life early on will help him in so many ways in the future. I want to teach him that developing bad coping techniques or not coping can lead to a very sad and hard life. I want to teach him healthy ways to cope.

After my ten minute time out, I went into his room. Picked him up (as he flung his body around and screamed at the top of his lungs), I kissed his cheek and said, "I'm sorry we had to take a time out. I'm sorry I felt frustrated with you, and because mom feels frustrated, she's going to clean the house." I put him down and let him play and got to work. I feel better about things when my house is clean. I can cope with things when there isn't clutter. I explained coping and how I cope to Hayes (even though he could not care less) after that, it got better. I told him if it wasn't so cold we would go for a run, because that's how mom feels better. I explained it all to him, it was probably more for me to say out loud, but it felt right to tell him, and he seemed to understand. His tantrum stopped and he did just play with his toys and out back. He gets way more than I give him credit for. It was almost like when I could explain to him that I was coping with my frustrations, he was like "Alright Mom, cope away, I'll just play right here until you're done."

I still feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I still feel frustrated when he draws all over my rug with chalk and stains it. I still feel like my house will never be clean enough. I still feel so torn between working life and mama life. I still am struggling. But even though I still feel all of those things, I have hope it will get better. I have hope I can find a better balance. I have hope that I can make it through more bad mama days. I have hope that I can teach Hayes good ways to cope by showing him what to do. I have hope that I can do better, and that's what I'm holding on to. That's all I can hold on to.

This is what happened after he ate about 15 meatballs for lunch. He has NEVER fallen asleep in his highchair, I guess that's probably one reason we had such a rough day today.

I took this picture of us the other day, on a really GOOD day. It reminds me I need to take more pictures of us two, and that there are good days coming, and that makes me happy. 

Likes and Dislikes (Hayes age 21 and 1/2 months) {January 27, 2015}

When Hayes was less than one I did a much better job of documenting his likes and dislikes and the milestones he met. It gets much harder the older they get, but I'm still committed to documenting these things. I think it's so fun to look back and see how he changes and I'm sure one day we will love to look back and remember all of these adorable (and not so adorable) things he does, says, or likes. You know, mom stuff.

Current likes:
Eating by himself
Macaroni and Cheese
CHOCOLATE! (especially See's Candy- he really is my child, down to his core!)
Scrambled eggs
PB and J sandwiches
Playing with other kids- especially older kids
Going to our neighbor Christy's house to play with Polly and Kayleigh
Riding in the truck (he's always bummed when we have to take the car)
Playing at Grandma Lynne's
Being out back helping Grandpa
Gator!
Feeling like a big kid at the park
Books about trucks
Samples at Costco
Nursery ( He LOVES nursery!!)
Running at the park
Playing peek-a-boo behind the curtains or in the closet
Scaring people
Singing songs, especially Popcorn Popping
Popcorn at Target
Going up and down the stairs and Grandma Sydney's
Playing outside (literally just being outside too)
Curious George
Taking a bath
Repeating what everyone says
Coloring
Carrying around the Xbox controller
Sleeping with a blanket on his head
Singing songs (His favorites are Popcorn popping and 5 Little Speckled Frogs)

Dislikes:
Most vegetables
Fruit snacks
 When people make a mess (even on TV, he gets really upset)
Going in the car when he wants to play inside
Doors closing
Being a Target for too long
Getting dressed
When something falls
When its time to leave the park or play date
Taking naps
Sitting still
Wearing shoes in the car
When we can't understand what he's saying
Messy diapers

He doesn't tolerate orange juice, yogurt, or too much lemonade.

He is saying SO many words, like too many to count. He is really good about trying to say anything we say. He refuses to say "please" or "thank you" even though I know he knows how. What a stinker!

He's currently wearing 2T-3T and I officially had to put away anything sized smaller than that. He wears bigger shirts and smaller pants. He has Sam's body (bigger shoulders and upper body, smaller lower body and a small bum. He's about due for another haircut, so he obviously got Sam's hair too because mine does not grow that fast. I was hoping he would have some curls, but his hair is about as straight as it comes. His feet have been growing and he is currently wearing a 7 in toddlers. I have started buying a little bigger (it varies on the brand though). He's a great eater, a great sleeper, and only really gets cranky when he needs a nap. He's pretty happy and pretty easily distracted. He is getting much easier to reason with and understands what we're telling him. He's a hugger. He likes to sit on people's lap when he likes them. He has just started talking to his primary leaders and they LOVE it! He is the best "Bye" sayer and blows the BEST kisses! He will also pretty much give a kiss when we ask him, especially to his Mama! He thinks its SO funny when I give him a hundred kisses before bed.

He is such a joy to have around and literally brightens people up where ever we go. He loves to say bye to EVERYONE and says hi to everyone when we walk. He is SO friendly and the best thing ever. We literally love him more and more everyday!

His current nicknames are:
Hayes-a
Hayesie
Hayesie Daisy
Hayesie Maisy
Hayes-a Dase-a
Hayes- oh
Mr. Moo
Prancer (my Dad calls him that because when he runs he looks like he's prancing)
Twinkle toes (same thing as above)
Fairy (again, same as above)

Shirtless breakfast

Sometimes, when you are a boy, you just have to sit down and eat breakfast shirtless. At least that's what Sam tells me, and I wouldn't know, I'm not a boy. What a lucky Hayesie to have a dad to show him the ropes of being a boy, like shirtless breakfasts. These two are so cute together and I love to see how much they adore each other. There is nothing better than a boy and his dad. 

He is my child

My mom pulled out some pictures when we were younger and we found this gem of me when I was probably 2 years old. When we saw it, we instantly said, "Yup! That looks like Hayes!" I was so excited to see we really do look alike. I always think he looks just like Sam, but I can totally see me in him too. That same pale skin, same stare, and same chubby cheeks. If I had blonde hair, I think we could be twins, and that makes me SO happy! 

Out to eat

We went out to dinner the other night with my family. Kate was in town for Bart's funeral (ouch, that was weird to write)... but Hayes was getting a little restless. We taught Kate our secret trick for when her little one is big enough to throw temper tantrums and food across the room at a restaurant. A smart phone with netflix or their favorite movie. Hayes was captivated and sat perfectly the entire time. It's probably not the best way to teach him to sit still at dinner, but it worked, so we're going with it, for now. 

It was THAT good!

I've never really been a great cook. I can follow a receipe, but I've never really ventured much outside of that. I feel bad for Hayes that I'm not a better cook, so I've been working on it. I made him scrambled eggs the other morning and he fed my ego by not only finishing the whole bowl, but picking it up and licking it clean. My mediocre cooking heart was bursting. 

Bart Betenson

To be perfectly honest even as I write this I am still processing what things really mean and trying to process it in my head. On January 16, 2015 my cousin, Bart Betenson passed away after he took his life. My dad called me first thing on Friday morning to tell me the news. That poor guy has gotten pretty good at delivering bad news and saying it in a way to each person so it's something they can hear. It's a talent really. He explained to me what had happened and then had to go and call the other girls. I instantly called my mom to find out the details. I needed to wrap my head around it. Even though it seems so insensitive, knowing the details down to the nitty gritty somehow helps me wrap my head around things, almost like I'm trying to follow it and the details make the story flow in my head so I can logically follow it and the essentially try to make sense of it. 

I talked it out with my mom, cried. Talked some more, cried some more. It was one of those things that you just didn't really believe. It felt like a news story, not something that happens to someone you care about. In the days following we spent time with my cousins and told funny Bart stories and laughed, then cried. The Betensons have been so much more than kind to me and my sisters through this whole thing. They have welcomed us and made us a part of basically everything. In so many ways they have been kinder and acknowledged our loss just as much if not more than their own. I can't begin to describe how much that has meant to me. They did not have to do that, but it has made a world of difference in how I have coped with everything. It's almost like that acknowledgement has somehow helped me heal. I am truly heartbroken for each of them and in particular of his parents. My heart just breaks for them and the loss of their child. I can't begin to comprehend what they are feeling and will continue to feel forever. I hurt for them. 

DeAnn and Jeff invited us to go to the mortuary on Saturday and see him before he was put into the casket. I guess its a time when the family can say if they like they way he looks and if they want anything different. I have never been apart of something like that. At first I didn't think too much of it, DeAnn asked us to come and I wanted to be there for the Betensons. Once we got there and all of us started to go into the room, the reality of the situation set in. It was no longer surreal, it was very real. You couldn't deny it anymore, it was like a huge slap in the face. I could never get myself to get too close. In fact, I spent most of the slouched in the corner. My sweet dad came over and comforted me. I couldn't get control for quite a while. It was both heartbreaking and healing to go. We were there for quite awhile and again shared Bart stories. It was interesting to hear everyone's memories and favorite times. That was something I will never forget. 

My cousin Bart was a protector. He was funny. He was a talker. He was more like the brother I never had. He was important to me and I really looked up to him. I was proud to be his cousin. I am grateful for the memories I have of him and I am grateful for the knowledge I have that I will see him again one day. I can not wait for the day on the other side of veil when I can sit down with him, and all of our cousins and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas and talk with them. The first thing I am going to say to Bart is "What the hell Bart!?" Tell me what the heck was going on. I would also tell him that no matter what, he could have called me, I would have been there for him. I would tell him that I still care about him and I still feel proud to be his cousin. I would tell him that I've missed him and that his children are absolutely beautiful  I will be happy to see him again one day. 

Cousin playtime

We had a pretty rough time starting last Friday (January 16) that was filled with lots of sadness, and glimmers of really beautiful and fun moments. We cried and laughed and spent time together. It was both very sad and very heart warming at the same time. 

The kids on the other hand, the little ones at least, didn't fully understand what was going on and were in HEAVEN together playing. Hayes being probably the happiest of them all. Having all of Meg and Kelsey's kids playing on cars on DeAnn's new patio was just about as awesome as it gets in Hayes's book. He instantly was drawn to Elsey and did not want to let her out of his sight. He also thought anywhere she sat, he was welcome to sit too. He loved on her and she was so sweet to him too. He was one sad boy when it was time to go, but not to anyone's surprise, he was asleep within minutes. He literally played until he dropped. I am so happy that even in moments of such great sadness, we have these beautiful kids to remind us that life goes on and is full of so many great things too. 

Kids are so healing that way. 

Play time at Golden Hour

Sometimes when we go to the park I feel like the paparazzi, just snapping hundreds of pictures of Hayes. I just following him around snapping pictures from different angles. I just can not get enough of him and I feel like I need to hold onto these moments as long as possible, because let me tell you they are over before you know it. 

It scares me a little bit how much I try to hold onto moments and time. It makes me nervous that I feel such a need to have all these pictures. Part of me really hopes that one day I look back and say, geez, Kacee, you took way too many pictures. The one thing I have to give myself credit for though is that even though it scares me that I want to document everything little thing, I do it. I don't stop taking pictures and trying to hang onto every second. I keep going even though it scares me. 

These pictures are some of my favorites so far. The lighting is perfect and Hayes is the happiest. They are such fun memories and the photos turned out beautiful, if I do say so myself.  

        

    

Push ups!

Hayes is so funny and loves when people lay on the ground. He thinks its an open invitation to climb up on top of you. If I lay down to do crunches he sits on my stomach, if Sam gets down and does push ups, he hops right on and thinks is it the best thing ever. Even Gator can't escape it, Hayes will get on him for a ride too. Its pretty funny and all of can't help but laugh. 

       

Park play day {January 13, 2015}

I am so glad it's finally warm enough to go back to the park, we have all missed being outside and playing. We had a few days we tried to go, but nothing like when it warms up. Hayes is pretty obsessed with trees lately and will go up to them whenever he sees them. He has also gotten really brave about playing on the toys be himself. He does really good in the little kid section and is pretty happy to stay there. 

Lounging {January 13, 2015}

Hayes found this little rocking chair we bought for him as a baby. He loves to lounge it in and watch his favorite show, Curious George. Sometimes he will find a bowl and bring it to me and say "Snack!" It cracks me up.

Rub a dub dub

Hayes is so silly in the tub and is constantly splashing and kicking his legs. This little "hat trick" is his new favorite. I die laughing every time I give him a bath. He's also started laying on his tummy and blowing bubbles with his mouth, its hilarious.