This morning was one of those days. He woke up ornery. (again, I totally get that). Unfortunately, this morning I also woke up ornery and feeling pretty sorry for myself (lets be real, I'm still kind of there, even now). It was such a terrible combination. A bad day for a toddler, and a mama with a bad attitude and a morning that started two hours too early. It was not pretty. As the hours passed ( and it was hours because we were up at 7, which did not help) I got to thinking about how every time something happens in my life or to someone I care about, I always find myself thinking about how I would want Hayes to react or how I would want Hayes to cope or deal with that particular situation. I feel like what I do is going to directly effect what he does later. If I yell and scream and throw and fit when I get mad, most likely, he will think that's what you do and he will follow suit. I know that isn't always the case, but I would say most of the time it is. After he chucked a cup of water at me, threw oatmeal all over the kitchen, and then clawed my face, I was pretty much at my end. It was awful. It was awful to feel so frustrated with him. It was awful to feel like I needed a time out and so did he. It was awful to really have to take a minute to gain control of myself. The whole thing was just awful. On top of the awful, my guilty mama brain kept thinking, "What am I teaching him about hard days? What am I showing him? How would I feel if he reacted the way I'm reacting to his child?" Geez, those thoughts can get ya, you know?
I put him in his crib and shut the door for about 10 minutes. We both needed a breather. I tried not to say anything because I personally don't think you should do much talking when you're angry. Nothing good usually comes of it. I stayed quite and Hayes screamed his guts out. I went into my room, sat on the floor and just cried. I have cried before, but never because I was so done, and I'll tell you what, at that moment, I was SO done. I cried because I felt like such a failure as a mom. I have cried because I don't get to be home with him. I have cried because I was worried about it. I have cried because I am so grateful for him. I have cried because he was hurt or sad or scared. I have cried because I loved him so much, but I have never cried because I was so mad at him. Mad is the wrong word, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed with him. It felt awful to feel that way. At that moment I felt like all the of time I have spent trying to be a good working mom and for all the times I have tried to work less so I can be here more was in vain. I honestly thought, that if I let one bad morning get me so frustrated and down, then why am I trying. I literally just sat on the floor crying and then prayed It was all I could think of. I prayed for help. I prayed for peace. I prayed for my Heavenly Father to take away my frustration. I prayed for Hayes to calm down. I prayed that I could get over this bad morning. I prayed for guidance on how to make this better. I prayed to not feel like such a failure. I prayed for hope that things would get better.
Within a few minutes I honestly felt better. I wasn't quite so mad. I wasn't quite so frustrated. I felt WAY more in control. That's when I got to thinking about what I would want Hayes to do if he was me. I don't want to teach him that days like this never happen. I don't want to teach him that everyday is walks and parks and play time. I don't want to teach him that yelling or getting angry is how you deal with frustration. That got me to thinking about what I do want to teach him. I want to teach him to take ten minutes. I want to teach him to pray for help. I want to teach him to say sorry. I want to teach him to make things right when you get frustrated. I want to teach him to find ways to cope when you do feel that way. I want to teach him that bad days happen, but they also end. I want to teach him that one bad day does not mean a bad life. I want to teach him that things get better, and that people can change their attitude and change the way things look. I want to teach him that everyone has struggles, and everyone has a choice on how they deal with them. I want to teach him that the only thing he has control over is how he copes with the frustrations he is faced with. I want to teach him that learning to cope with life early on will help him in so many ways in the future. I want to teach him that developing bad coping techniques or not coping can lead to a very sad and hard life. I want to teach him healthy ways to cope.
After my ten minute time out, I went into his room. Picked him up (as he flung his body around and screamed at the top of his lungs), I kissed his cheek and said, "I'm sorry we had to take a time out. I'm sorry I felt frustrated with you, and because mom feels frustrated, she's going to clean the house." I put him down and let him play and got to work. I feel better about things when my house is clean. I can cope with things when there isn't clutter. I explained coping and how I cope to Hayes (even though he could not care less) after that, it got better. I told him if it wasn't so cold we would go for a run, because that's how mom feels better. I explained it all to him, it was probably more for me to say out loud, but it felt right to tell him, and he seemed to understand. His tantrum stopped and he did just play with his toys and out back. He gets way more than I give him credit for. It was almost like when I could explain to him that I was coping with my frustrations, he was like "Alright Mom, cope away, I'll just play right here until you're done."
I still feel like a failure in so many aspects of my life. I still feel frustrated when he draws all over my rug with chalk and stains it. I still feel like my house will never be clean enough. I still feel so torn between working life and mama life. I still am struggling. But even though I still feel all of those things, I have hope it will get better. I have hope I can find a better balance. I have hope that I can make it through more bad mama days. I have hope that I can teach Hayes good ways to cope by showing him what to do. I have hope that I can do better, and that's what I'm holding on to. That's all I can hold on to.
This is what happened after he ate about 15 meatballs for lunch. He has NEVER fallen asleep in his highchair, I guess that's probably one reason we had such a rough day today.
I took this picture of us the other day, on a really GOOD day. It reminds me I need to take more pictures of us two, and that there are good days coming, and that makes me happy.
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