Bart Betenson

To be perfectly honest even as I write this I am still processing what things really mean and trying to process it in my head. On January 16, 2015 my cousin, Bart Betenson passed away after he took his life. My dad called me first thing on Friday morning to tell me the news. That poor guy has gotten pretty good at delivering bad news and saying it in a way to each person so it's something they can hear. It's a talent really. He explained to me what had happened and then had to go and call the other girls. I instantly called my mom to find out the details. I needed to wrap my head around it. Even though it seems so insensitive, knowing the details down to the nitty gritty somehow helps me wrap my head around things, almost like I'm trying to follow it and the details make the story flow in my head so I can logically follow it and the essentially try to make sense of it. 

I talked it out with my mom, cried. Talked some more, cried some more. It was one of those things that you just didn't really believe. It felt like a news story, not something that happens to someone you care about. In the days following we spent time with my cousins and told funny Bart stories and laughed, then cried. The Betensons have been so much more than kind to me and my sisters through this whole thing. They have welcomed us and made us a part of basically everything. In so many ways they have been kinder and acknowledged our loss just as much if not more than their own. I can't begin to describe how much that has meant to me. They did not have to do that, but it has made a world of difference in how I have coped with everything. It's almost like that acknowledgement has somehow helped me heal. I am truly heartbroken for each of them and in particular of his parents. My heart just breaks for them and the loss of their child. I can't begin to comprehend what they are feeling and will continue to feel forever. I hurt for them. 

DeAnn and Jeff invited us to go to the mortuary on Saturday and see him before he was put into the casket. I guess its a time when the family can say if they like they way he looks and if they want anything different. I have never been apart of something like that. At first I didn't think too much of it, DeAnn asked us to come and I wanted to be there for the Betensons. Once we got there and all of us started to go into the room, the reality of the situation set in. It was no longer surreal, it was very real. You couldn't deny it anymore, it was like a huge slap in the face. I could never get myself to get too close. In fact, I spent most of the slouched in the corner. My sweet dad came over and comforted me. I couldn't get control for quite a while. It was both heartbreaking and healing to go. We were there for quite awhile and again shared Bart stories. It was interesting to hear everyone's memories and favorite times. That was something I will never forget. 

My cousin Bart was a protector. He was funny. He was a talker. He was more like the brother I never had. He was important to me and I really looked up to him. I was proud to be his cousin. I am grateful for the memories I have of him and I am grateful for the knowledge I have that I will see him again one day. I can not wait for the day on the other side of veil when I can sit down with him, and all of our cousins and aunts and uncles and grandmas and grandpas and talk with them. The first thing I am going to say to Bart is "What the hell Bart!?" Tell me what the heck was going on. I would also tell him that no matter what, he could have called me, I would have been there for him. I would tell him that I still care about him and I still feel proud to be his cousin. I would tell him that I've missed him and that his children are absolutely beautiful  I will be happy to see him again one day.