I have had an internal battle with clothing, and just recently that internal battle became an external one.... whats does that mean? I tried to wear something that quite obviously does not fit anymore, but because I am so stubborn and refused to waste my money on maternity clothes I was incredibly uncomfortable and had to go home at lunch and change because I was such a hot mess. I got home and looked in the mirror and realized my shirt was basically bursting at the buttons, my zipper wouldn't stay up on my pants because they were too tight, and I looked SO SLOPPY I was incredibly embarrassed because of how much of the day had passed with me looking like that. It was a humbling moment for sure. I realized I was ready to give in an buy some other maternity pieces- almost completely because I felt so bad showing up at work looking like such a crazy lady- my poor boss.
So last week I headed off to Target and Old Navy thinking that I would swing in and find a number of things that I could grow into and that I like (because I usually can find a hundred things in both of those stores that I love). Unfortunately, once I got there I was incredibly disappointed. To make a long story short I may or may not have had a minor break down in Target (tears and all) because I could not find anything that I liked and that would fit my constantly growing tummy. I think I was just so frustrated with my body, and feeling like its such a weird shape right now and that no one can even make clothes to fit it. I headed off to Old Navy with a little more hope, but was pretty disappointed there too. I did find one maternity dress. (I bought two others that were on a crazy sale that I can't really wear now but they were too cheap and cute to pass up). I was a half hour late for dinner at my mother-in-law's house because of my emotional break down. Sydney is such a sweet heart and didn't mind at all the I was so late, and even got out a few dresses and a skirt that I could barrow that would hopefully fit me. I felt even worse about being late, but honestly so grateful to have something else to wear. Then to my even bigger surprise a few days later Grandma Susan and Aunt Sheila brought me a bag of clothes they had bought for me that would hopefully fit my constantly growing belly. I was so embarrassed that I had made such a big deal out of not having anything to wear, but also so grateful that all of these sweet people would think about me. Then, a day or two later, my mom bought me a new maternity dress. I am seriously so overwhelmed by the love and generosity around me. I am so blessed to have such kind and thoughtful people. I feel horrible that I was such a baby, and I really need to remember that people besides my sisters take my whining as real and not just me being a baby for a little bit. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful caring people in my life!
Who would have thought that my biggest issue with being pregnant would be with the clothes (actually I should have seen that one coming). Hopefully I have a few more choices now to wear during my work week, at least enough to last me ten weeks. (I can't believe I have ten weeks left. That BLOWS my mind!!).
I have been reading a lot lately and actually really enjoying it. I have read a few books that I could barely put down. I have also started a few books that I wish I had never picked up. The most recent- Then The Rain Came Down by Brooke Shields. I thought I would gain a lot of insight into what women go through with postpartum depression, but I could barely get through the first 60 pages because she shared so much information about her problems conceiving, her dad dying, miscarriages, and then a HORRIBLE delivery. I just could not finish it. Wrong choice for this point in my life. It seems like ever since I have been pregnant people LOVE to share their horror stories with me. I feel like I am constantly hearing about someone's miscarriage, or someone almost dying during the delivery, or someone else with something horrible that happened during pregnancy. I honestly do not understand the need some people have to share the most awful things about pregnancy and delivery with pregnant women. To me, it would make more sense to be extra shielded from those kinds of things while you're pregnant. I understand that people need to share, but to be honest, its rarely the woman that went through the trauma that shares. The stories always start out "I knew a girl once that..." or "My sister's delivery was horrible because...." or "I heard about a lady that...." or even better "In a book I read once this lady....." I have rarely had someone say, "I almost died during the delivery, and since you are going to go through that, let me tell you all the horrible things that can go wrong...." Maybe all the women that actually go through it know that that's the last thing I want to hear about right now. People are funny I guess. But for my own personal benefit later on- "Kacee, if you have something horrible or traumatic happen during pregnancy or delivery or if you hear of something, DO NOT share it with someone who is pregnant. THEY DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT!" Now if I ever catch my self trying to do that to someone else, hopefully I will remember that and just stop and tell them how much I have LOVED being pregnant and what an amazing miracle it is.
On that happier note, I feel like I do need to write down and remember just how amazing this pregnancy journey has been so far. I love feeling him move around, and I love to watch my tummy grow. I love being apart of this journey. I love that I get to be the one to spend this 40 weeks with our baby. I love that my body just knows what to do, and I love that his body does too. I love that everything happening has such a divine purpose and that everything is preparation for something that coming. I feel incredibly honored to be a mom to such a sweet boy, and that my Heavenly Father is trusting me and Sam to care for and protect him. I honestly love touching and feeling my stomach and watching this little life grow inside of me. I really feel like pregnancy is one of the best things I have ever been apart of. I am truly honored to be pregnant and to get to experience this, it is life changing.
30 Weeks {February 11, 2013}
Dear Hayes:
We are one week closer to meeting you and I am absolutely thrilled. I can hardly wait to see you and your cute face. I been having dreams about you lately, but when I wake up I can never remember what you look like. Maybe that means I already know who you are and what you look like, but my conscious mind isn't able to remember that yet. Its fun to think that I may already know you, but that I just can't remember that.
You are such a fun wiggly baby. You especially love to move when I lay down to go to sleep. You also love to kick a lot when Gator is laying by me. Me and your dad joke that you either really love him and you are trying to play already, or that you two may get pretty jealous of each other. hahaha I am betting its that you want to play. Your kicks and wiggles are getting so much stronger and I think that means you have been working on your muscles in there. You are getting to be such a strong baby.
I have always felt like you are such a special baby. I feel like you are going to be such an amazing person. I can't wait to see all the things you do and places you go. I have a feeling you are going to do great things with your life, and I am so lucky to be able to have a front row seat.
I hope that you will always know how much me and your dad planned and prepared for you. We waited for a lot of years for you, but I already feel like you were worth the wait. I hope that you always want to spend time with me and that you know you can come to me with anything. I can't even begin to describe the love I already have for you. You made me a mom. You made life so much better, even the thought of you makes life so much better. I am anxiously waiting for the day that I get to hold you and see your sweet face. I know it will be the best day of my life.
Love, Mom
Pregnancy update:
I have been sleeping a lot more lately, and constantly so tired. On the weekends I have been able to go to sleep around 8:30 or 9 and not wake up until 9:30 or 10. It must take a lot out of me to grow such a big tummy.
I have a few more stretch marks on my side. I am going to the store today to get stretch mark cream. I will be so sad if they don't go away after.
Food I have been loving:
Beef
Candy
Peanut butter
Ice cream
Fruit drizzled with chocolate
cereal
spaghetti Os
Milk
mac and cheese
Durangos
I force myself to eat other things, but most of the time I would be pretty content with a salad and treats the whole day. I have also been drinking a TON of water. Through out the day I constantly feel so dehydrated even though I have drank SO much water. My goal has always been 4 - 17 oz bottles with a glass of milk and some juice mixed in (and maybe a soda) lately I can easily drink 5 bottles and sometimes 6 in addition to my other liquids. I guess I just really need it.
I like to go walking and have noticed that I can walk about an 18- 19 minute mile (which is super slow, but faster than I thought I could walk). I try for 45 minutes to an hour a day and I shoot for 4-5 times a week. Last week I only got 4 times. I would eventually like to walk a half an hour 2 times a day 6 days a week. I am just way to lazy in the mornings to get up in enough time to do that. I am hoping that when its a little warmer in the mornings I will be uncomfortable enough I can talk myself into doing it. We'll see.
I have also made some progress on the nursery. I still need the bedding and a chair, but its coming right a long. I really like it and I have left enough wiggle room that we can add and change things as he gets older without too much hassle.
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