37 Weeks {April 1, 2013}

According to my doctor, I am officially full term (my mom says 38 weeks is official, but my doc says technically I am in my 38th week, so its full term). No matter what the case, I hope he stays in there just a little while longer. Its weird to think that any time in the next two and half weeks or so I am going to have this baby. I went to church yesterday and realized I probably won't be back to teach primary until after this little guy has arrived. That's so strange to me. I feel like I have spent the last 8 months or so preparing for this guy to come and now its almost here. I feel a combination of pure excitement and intense fear. Its a strange thing to go places or to run errands and to think-- I could literally go into labor right here, right now. It makes me want to avoid a lot of places right now.

I have been feeling pretty nauseous lately. It worries me because one of the docs I saw for my kidney stones told me that I interpret pain as nausea. (whenever I get kidney stones I just get really sick to my stomach. It usually takes a while before I actually start feeling any kind of pain common with kidney stones, almost the whole time passing them I just think I am have a HORRIBLE case of the stomach flu). So, I have really been trying to pay attention and determine if it is nausea that I feel, or if I am having pain. I am not sure why I do that, what a weird problem to have.

I only walked a little bit last week after I found out I was already dilated. I felt desperate to try to slow this train down and make it through the end of the month. I am not sure if stopping the walking even helped, so I am back at the walking again. I missed it, and I REALLY noticed the decrease in my energy from not walking. So, I guess if it moves things along, then it moves them along, but at least I will have more energy and feel better during the process.


Week 37 -- April 1, 2013

Dear Hayes:

I think you are pretty squished in there now. When you move it feels like you have no where to go, and you can't seem to get very comfortable. Don't worry, you will be out of there before you know it with lots of room to stretch and wiggle.

Today officially marks the start of your birthday month. I don't think April will ever look the same for me. I am so excited to celebrate LOTS of birthdays with you, what a great month to be born! I am getting more and more excited and nervous for your arrival. You know, I have never done this before, so it will be new for both of us. I hope that you know exactly what to do and that things go as smoothly as possible.

You and me had to miss Ali and Luke's wedding this weekend. I am sad we had to miss it, but you are totally worth it. Ali wasn't mad, she said she is just so happy you're coming that nothing else matters. I feel the same way. Everyone is pretty excited for you to come and can hardly wait for us to send them pictures of you. Even though it was Ali's wedding, people sent gift for you! You lucky little guy.

Stay in there at least a little while longer ok!?

Love you!

Love, Mom

These pictures remind me that I literally wear the same rotation of outfits during the week. Maxi skirt with a T-shirt, Maxi dress, maternity jeans and a t-shirt. You can't tell, but I either wear my same white sandals or my running shoes (so pretty much every day but Saturday I wear the same comfy sandals). Its getting a little boring, but does make getting dressed in the morning a lot faster-- am I going to wear the gray maxi skirt or the red one? Done. 

Seriously though, if I ever have another child I am going to buy A TON of maxi dresses and skirt. I feel like they are heaven sent!

My Sweet Grandma {March 29, 2013}

This past week my sweet grandma had to go to the hospital to get some blood clots in her legs treated. When I first heard that she was there, I was SO scared and upset. Its awful to hear that someone you care about is in the hospital. Luckily, she was able to get them treated and is doing much better.

I realize I am overly emotional right now, and have ridiculous amounts of hormones pumping through my body right now, causing my reactions to situations maybe a little dramatic. However, I always love to take a minute to really think about people in my life, and what blessings they are to me.

I am so grateful to have a grandma as wonderful as mine. She has so many amazing qualities, I literally could spend days talking about all the things I admire about her. She is the most wonderful cook and entertainer. She literally hosts our entire family once a month for dinner. She does everything perfectly, and makes it seem effortless. She puts Martha Stewart to shame. For example, at dinner we always have fresh veggies and/or fruit. 99% of the time those veggies and fruit are grown in her back yard. She makes homemade pickles and pickled beans that will change your life. She makes plum jam (yes plums grown in her yard) that I have literally eaten by the spoon full. She has a green thumb like you would not believe. Almost all of my favorite blankets have been made by this sweet lady.

My grandma's skills go above and beyond the home, which I think is one of the things I love most about her. My grandma for years was very supportive wife and mother to 6 boys. My grandpa was the county commissioner for years and was heavily involved in the community, but I am sure only made possible by the sweet lady by his side. The best part about my grandma is that she was incredibly supportive, but also very involved herself. She reminds me of a Jackie Kennedy. She is incredibly beautiful, an excellent home-maker, and then very aware and involved in her community and has made a name for herself in her own right. My grandma is involved in so many different aspect of community and family. She has done such an incredible job of balancing her role as mother and wife and independent woman.

My grandma is such a sweet lady. She is always so so happy to see us. One of my favorite things is when I walk into her house, the way she says "Hello"... she almost sings it. I am so lucky to have her in my life. I could not be prouder to call myself her grand-daughter. She is one amazing lady, and I am so glad she is ok.

I hate this picture of me, but I LOVE my grandma's face! 

My little scare {March 25, 2013}

Over the weekend I had a little scare, which turned out to be ok- but since I am really trying to document my whole pregnancy process I figured I would share. On Saturday we kind of had a big day (Ali went through the temple, and we had my baby shower). I was REALLY tired by the end of the day. I took a bath and started getting ready for bed around 8. Just before I went to bed I noticed that I was having some spotting. It scared me SO bad. My mom had even joked earlier in the day that she hopped all the shower prep didn't put me into labor. I am not ready for this little guy to come yet. I decided to just try to relax and see if it would stop. Luckily it did, but the next day I was EXTREMELY fatigued, like unusually tired and weak. It made more worried that I was either going into labor or that I had some kind of infection. I took it pretty easy on Sunday (like I literally slept 18 hours). I decided to call my doctor's office on Monday because I still felt pretty weak and really tired. It turned out that my doc actually had an opening, so they had me come in. (I already had an appt scheduled for later in the week, so they just moved it up). When I got to the doctor the nurses were so sweet and so concerned for me. I almost felt embarrassed because I wasn't overly concerned- just wanted to make sure everything was ok.

They did their usually things and then had me explain to them what was going on. They checked me for additional infections (which all came back clear, luckily) and since I am into my last month of pregnancy the doc came in and "checked" me and did some other tests. He said the reason I was probably having those things happen was because I was dilated to a 2 (he also said I was some percent thinned but I forgot what percent he said, I think he said 25%). He said that all the things happening were typical of my body gearing up for the delivery. I was SO relieved, but also a little nervous to hear that I was already starting to make progress towards delivery. I realize I could sit at a 2 for a while (and kind of hope I do, at least for a couple of weeks). It was crazy how real things got. I realized that my body is starting to gear up for delivery- and maybe I should start gearing my head up for it too.

Maybe that was just the push I needed to start getting the rest of my life in order to have this baby. I finally finished up packing for the hospital (my stuff and the baby's stuff). I started getting some meals planned that I can prep before, and started re-stocking our house with the essentials (water, toilet paper, snacks, etc). I got the rest of the big items we needed ordered and hopefully it will be here by the beginning of next week. I got all the baby laundry done, and started getting things planned for a birth announcement.

I still have quite a bit to do, but I kept procrastinating so many things the list was starting to get a bit out of hand. I still need to get some good deep cleaning done. I need to finish stocking the house up. I need get the car seat into my car. I need to get the rest of the baby stuff put together once it gets here. I need to sew a couple of pillows. There are a few more baby items I need to pick up, but if I don't get that done I am sure I can get them after he gets here. I also have a bunch of stuff at work that I would really like to see get resolved before I am gone. I realize that life doesn't stop after I have this little guy, but I still want to try to get as many things resolved and done before he comes as I possibly can. I think it will help me be able to relax more.

I am so relieved that things are still going well. I feel so incredibly grateful that my body knows much more about pregnancy and the delivery process than I do. I am in constant amazement of that. I have said this so many times in the past, but I have no idea how someone can be pregnant and still not believe in God. I am reminded on a daily basis that Heavenly Father planned everything so perfectly, and that he has his hand in everything. It is my own personal opinion, but I really think he planned pregnancy and delivery with even more thought and love. It is the most divine and spiritual processes I have ever been apart of, and I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to carry this sweet baby. I am feel so blessed. I am a little sad realizing that my pregnancy journey is almost over. It hasn't been easy, but I think that's part of why it is so special, it came from a lot of work. Everything good in life comes from a lot of work. I am incredibly nervous, but even more excited to look forward to the next chapter of my life. I am so excited to meet my sweet Hayes.

Gator adjusting to the baby

I have to start out by saying that I completely understand that I sound crazy for what I am about to write. I am so in love with our dog it is seriously pathetic, but here goes anyways.

I feel like I am having to prep our dog for this baby, much in the same way that a parent preps their older child. We talk about the baby, and he comes in the baby's room and helps me put stuff away, and he is SO protective of me since I have been pregnant. Sometimes we talk to him about how he should act once the baby comes -or things he should expect.  It is kind of ridiculous, but I swear he understands and is glad to know whats going on.

After the shower we started sorting through and putting all of the gifts away ( and both me and Sam just kept saying how blessed/spoiled we are to have such amazing friends and family. We were literally overwhelmed with gifts, and love, and support). So, Gator took his usual spot and watched us put things away and organize. He would get up and smell the bags or the clothes and try to see what exactly it was we were putting away, but pretty much kept to his usual spot in the door way. After a few minutes he got pretty brave and started putting his head in gift bags and checking things out before we pulled it out. As he was doing this he found a little rubber toy, it was a firetruck. He gently picked it up and tried to duck his head and walk out of the room- but he got caught. Sam told him no, and took the toy away. Sam put it into another bag while we kept working on things. A little while later- we saw him do the exact same thing. Firetruck in his mouth trying to make a break for it- he totally sniffed it out of the other bag. I caught him this time set the fire truck on the dresser. He sat and stared at that dresser for at least 5 minutes. He wanted that firetruck SO BAD! We got a really sweet toy basket and moved the firetruck into the basket with the other toys (after we sanitized it of course). Gator some how got into the toy basket and found it AGAIN! We took it away and closed the lid to the toy basket and put something on top of the lid.

I was pretty insistent on not letting him have- purely because we need to start teaching him that not every toy in our house belongs to him. Well, I was talking to my mom on the phone and telling her about what had happened and how funny he was being about this toy. My mom (who I think at times is more obsessed with Gator than we are) said I should just give it to him. I kept insisting not giving it to him- but that crazy mom of mine made me feel so guilty I ended up giving it to him.

He has LOVED it so much. He takes it with him everywhere and has been so gentle with it. He is so funny about it. He makes sure it is right by him when he goes to sleep and will take it with him outside. He greets me at the door with firetruck in tow. I literally haven't seen him without it since we caved. I think he knows he jacked it from Hayes, so he is taking extra good care of it. He is so funny.

I am worried we are going to have A LOT of screaming and fighting once Hayes gets big enough and Gator keeps stealing all of his toys. Hopefully Hayes will love books and other things that Gator isn't interested in.

To end, I must apologize to whoever gave Hayes that toy- I promise we will replace it for him, but if you could see how much that dog loves that firetruck, I think you would have given it to him too.

* You may think I staged these pictures, but I did not. This is honestly what he does with that toy. 

Baby Shower {March 23, 2013}

Ash, Kate, and my mom threw me a baby shower over the weekend. It was SO cute and so fun to have so many of my friends and neighbors come over and support me. It was kind of bummed because it was a little windy, but it ended up being just fine.

Here are some pictures from the shower: 

It was so much fun, and I feel so incredibly blessed to have such supportive friends and family. What a fun memorable day, and such a fun way to celebrate this sweet little boy! 

Details:

Where: My back yard :)

When: Saturday March 23, 2013

Time: 2-4 p.m.

Food: Pasta salad, veggies, fruit kabobs, chocolate cake, white cake with raspberry filling, lemon cakes, oreos, chocolate dipped marshmallows. 

Thank you gifts: Peeps on a stick 

Thank you again girls! It was the best day!   

36 Weeks {March 25, 2013}

Ready or not we are less than a month away from "D-Day".  My doctor said that after this week I can have the baby at any time and he would be considered full term, good news but scary too. I guess I haven't made it to the "I am so uncomfortable I just want this baby out right now" phase because I am perfectly content to have him stay in there at least a few weeks longer. My due date is on a Tuesday, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't hopeful I would go over a little bit and that I would be able to work until that Thursday or Friday. I would just like to be able to finish the week out and get all my stuff caught up, plus having a few extra days of pay doesn't hurt either.

I am actually getting so excited to have a few months off. I have worked since I was 14 or 15 and have never had this much time off since then. I am a little worried about what it will be like to not work, but I am so excited to find out. I like working, but I am ready for a break to start a completely different chapter of life.   I have had an internal battle about what to do about working after the baby comes. It's hard to decide how to balance things, and how to make everything fit together. Sometimes I feel like there are so many demands on my time, that there is literally no way to make everyone happy. I guess it will have to be a work in progress. I am happy that I have a job that really needs me back, and that hopefully can work around a schedule that will allow me to have as much time with my sweet little guy as possible. This may sound weird, but I really can't imagine ever not working- at least a little bit or going to school. I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I talked to my friends about delivery and some of the aspects of before and after. I am a little worried about the whole process. I have to just keep reminding myself that there is nothing I can do about how the delivery process will go- all I can do is relax and follow everything my doc tells me. I am so glad to have such a good doctor that I trust.

I also talked to my friends about all the CRAZY things people say to girls when they are pregnant. It seems like lately I have been getting SO many weird and mean things said to me. Maybe I am just extra sensitive, but it seems like almost daily someone says something to me that makes me want to punch someone in the face. The other day a girl said something to me, and all I could honestly do was laugh. I was standing in line waiting for my lunch and she came up to me and asked "Can I ask you a question?" I said sure. She then asked me " Are you going to have a baby?" I was dying. What a funny way to ask someone if they are pregnant? All I said back was "I sure hope so." Its funny to me how many people think they need to know about my pregnancy. I have had people ask me how much weight I've gained, or comment on how "huge" I am. I have people that feel the need to tell me about how they lost a baby or how something horrible happened to them around week mark that I am. Sometimes I just get so rude and I don't even humor people and their comments, especially when they comment on my weight gain or how big I am. I realize people just get excited for babies in general, but seriously sometimes its just too much.


Week 36 - March 25, 2013

Dear Hayes:

You have been loving to poke out in my stomach, sometimes you push out so far my whole tummy is lopsided. It makes me feel pretty silly, but I think its funny. Sometimes you push out so hard that it kind of hurts, but I laugh wondering if you thin you can just push your way out like that. I hate to break it to ya buddy, but I think no matter how hard you try, you're not coming out like that (I guess without help from the doctor).

Its been pretty nice outside and I am so glad. I hope things don't get too hot before you come so we can spend some time outside. Me and Gator have been having a picnic at lunch time in the back yard this past week, and we can hardly wait for you to join us. I bet you will LOVE to play out back. We have been working on it, and we will for sure get you some toys out there once you are big enough. Your dad has even started talking about getting a trampoline (you are WAY too little for that now, but I am sure in a few years you will love to jump on the tramp).

I hope once you get here that you and I can take a trip or two before I have to go back to work. We could go see Aunt Brooke in Vegas, and everyone else in Salt Lake. I think it would be fun if we could go to California to play on the beach and to Idaho to see Grandma Susan. She would LOVE it if we could come for a visit.

See you soon!

Love, Mom

35 Weeks {March 18, 2013}

We are down to one hand worth of weeks left before this guy should be here, that makes me incredibly excited and incredibly nervous. I keep waiting for time to start dragging on, but so far no such luck. I don't know if it was my vent post, the fact that the weather has been incredibly gorgeous, or maybe a combination of everything but I have been feeling so much better about things lately. I still feel pretty big, but not unbearable. I feel like I have a little bit more energy. I have been sleeping good at night. I have been able to drink enough water. I have walked every single day. Things just really seem to be doing pretty good at the moment, and I am SO grateful for that! (knock on wood).

I had a doctor appointment last week and things went really well. I am measuring right on track again. The baby's heart beat was really strong and good. I only gained a pound from the two weeks before. I got to meet with Lisa (she is the nurse practitioner) because my doc was out of town. I LOVE meeting with Lisa. She is one of my mom's friends and I have seen her since I started having a yearly exam. I feel so comfortable with her and she is so good to explain everything to me. She always tells me what is coming next, and I love that. I love leaving the doctor's office feeling excited and calm. She told me that starting at my next visit they will start doing "checks". I guess they check and can tell if you are making progress towards going into labor. I am pretty nervous about the "check" but I am excited to see if I am starting to make progress towards going into labor. She explained to me what contractions are and what they feel like, and apparently I have had some. They haven't been consistent or anything to worry about, but weird to know that I have had some and didn't even know it. 

I have had a lot of people ask me if I just so ready to have this baby. Every time I go walking one of my neighbor's asks me if I am trying to induce labor. I think its funny because I am honestly not ready for that yet. I am totally ok if he stays in there for a few more weeks (or 5). I am sure when I get to the end I and I am incredibly uncomfortable I will feel differently, but I really don't want to wish this time away. I want to be able to enjoy these last few weeks. Is that weird? 

Week 35 {March 18, 2013}

Dear Hayes:

The past few weeks you have been SO active! I absolutely love it (except when you kick my hip-- that kind of hurts). You love to get wild when I am at work. The other day I just laid back in my chair and watched you kick and punch for almost ten minutes. It seemed like you were having a pretty good time in there. You little party animal. 

I have decided I want to try and make you a few more blankets before you get here. I think I am just getting nervous about you coming and I need to distract myself. So, you lucky little guy, you are going to end up with all kinds of blankets and craft projects. (I am sure you could not care less about stuff like that, but I do). 

Gator is still loving on you quite a bit. He must know what a cool boy you are going to be and wants to make sure you know he gets dibs on being your best friend. (even though I am sure I will be your best friend :) haha). 

I started a piggy bank for you this week. You already have 5 dollars. I am hoping you will be a good little saver and you can take us all to Disneyland or somewhere fun when you are bigger. You already have a good little start. I'll save for Hawaii, and you save for Disneyland... deal?? 

We are getting SO excited to meet you. 

Love you! 

Love, Mom

He must be having a party {March 14, 2013}

Sometimes during the day sweet little Hayes moves around so much I have to just sit back in my chair and watch as my stomach takes on a life of its own. I love to watch the kicks and punches and think that he must be having the best time in there. One of the many blessings of being pregnant, and one of my most favorite parts.

34 Weeks {March 11, 2013}

The closer I get to having this baby, the more CRAZY dreams I have. In my dreams I always forget, or for some reason don't feed the baby. Its absolutely horrible. I think I am just so worried that I will sleep right through feeding times and the poor little thing will be starving. I guessing its pretty normal to worry about the whole process, its just funny the thing I worry most about is feeding this little guy.

I can hardly believe I have just about 5 weeks left. That's seriously no time at all. My body must be gearing up for all the sleep I'm going to miss, because I have seriously slept SO MUCH! My mom called me at 8 last night and I was in bed. Sad, I know.

I have been walking like a champion lately, and it really just makes me feel so much better. My stomach kind of hurts and tightens up when I walk for too long, so I have been breaking it up into pieces. I have walked every single day for the past week and half and for at least 45 minutes each day. Even though its not vigorous exercise, it makes me feel a little like I am back on my normal work out schedule, and that feels good. Emotionally, I need to work out. I started buying some new fun workout gear for after I have the baby to hopefully keep me motivated to keep up the walking until I can really get back into exercising. I have been eyeing some new running shoes too (since my current ones have about 400 miles on them). Yay for getting some exercise in, and for getting excited for more exercise.

Gator has been so sweet lately. I talk about him all the time, but he is just such a sweet little dog. Last night before bed I was laying doing watching TV and he came up and laid his head on my tummy. He LOVES to listen to the baby and to feel him move. Sam put his hand on my stomach while Gator was laying there, and Gator hit Sam's hand away. I could not stop laughing. I'm not sure if Gator wanted Sam to pet him, or to just wait his turn to feel the baby, but either way he did not want Sam's hand there. What a funny dog he is.

{Week 34 - March 11, 2013}

Dear Hayes:

I feel like you are getting so big in there. The other day you moved and my whole stomach moved too. My tracker says you are at least 5 pounds and somewhere between 19-21 inches. So hopefully you'll do a little more growing before you're ready to come.

It's a little crazy to think that we are going to officially meet you in a little over a month. We are so excited for that day. We went for a Sunday hike/walk yesterday and me and your dad were talking about all the things we want to make sure we do before you come, and the funny thing is, we had more fun things we want to do AFTER you get here than we do for before. I think both of us just know that everything in life gets so much better when we get to take you with us. We talked about taking you to Hawaii next spring. I am still pretty determined to go, and your dad seems to be on board too. I hope you are a water baby and just love it like we do.

I am a little scared for you to come. I know things are going to get so much better, but I still worry about you and how to protect you. I only want the best things for you. I hope that you have some really good friends that help you make the right choices. Life is so much easier if you try to make the right choice from the start.

Love you.

Love, Mom

Pregnancy Thoughts

Being pregnant has been quite a journey for me. I think there were a lot of parts that I knew about and expected, and then there have been other parts that I did not anticipate at all. I know that everyone is different and that the whole pregnancy experience is so different for each woman (and each pregnancy). I have LOVED documenting my journey and looking back over it. I am sure that as time passes I will only love and appreciate my documentation even more. I would have loved my mom's documentation of her pregnancy, and I hope that my kids will one day want to read mine.

The past little while I have really struggled, emotionally. In my heart I am so grateful to be pregnant and have really tried to shy away from sharing too many of the hard parts. I decided yesterday that it was time to share a little better picture of what I have been feeling, not just all the happy exciting stuff. I hope that people understand these are not complaints, and that I am honestly happy to endure as many negative things as needed, if it means I get to have a beautiful little boy. I just need to get it out- and to better cope with my emotions and feelings.... that being said, here goes:

I never really anticipated how emotionally taxing it would be for me to gain so much weight and get so much bigger. I have felt like it is incredibly emotionally draining. I feel like that seems a little superficial, but its the truth. I have gained weight in the past, but never quite to this extent. I can say over and over in my head that its not just me gaining weight, and that weight gain is necessary, but it is still incredibly difficult watch your body literally balloon in front of your eyes. My emotional dilemma with weight gain goes far beyond the girl talk of "I want to loose 5 pounds." and the " I want to get into shape for swim suit season."  After high school I developed an eating disorder called hypergymnasia (which I swear I talk about all the time). I became OBSESSED with loosing weight and being thin, and I did an excellent job of deflecting attention away from my disorder. Unfortunately even though I have worked very hard to reduce my disorder's presence in my life, the obsessive thoughts and negative self talk is still very real. I remember looking in the mirror at the gym during one of my 5 hour gym sessions and only seeing the "extra weight" I was still carrying. That was during the time when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were really popular, and I use to read articles about how Nicole was 5'3" (my same height) and weighed 92 pounds. Instead of seeing that as a huge problem or something really terribly wrong with her- I viewed it as goal. I completely understand that my complex with weight gain is incredibly unhealthy and I have worked LONG and HARD to overcome and learn to deal with it. However, I would be lying if I said that pregnancy weight gain hasn't been incredibly difficult. I feel like I am just being extra lazy and that I am not as good of a person because I am so big. When people tell me how big I am, or that I am "looking huge" it just constantly reiterates to me the negative feelings I already have inside. I hate that I let what people say make me feel so upset. I feel like its a battle every day to tell myself that its ok, that I am not going to be this big forever, and that gaining weight for pregnancy is a privileged. But, it is still a battle every. single. day.

Not being able to run has also been really hard for me. I think my car crash was really good prep for me to be pregnant. After my crash I was unable to run to cope with life and I had SO many restrictions. I went through an emotional roller coaster on a near daily basis trying to cope with my injuries and with the fact that my main coping tool was no longer an option. It was hard, but I made through and was able to get back into running. I feel like I am back in that same boat again. I feel incredibly restricted and overwhelmed, and my go-to coping tool is again no longer an option. So many days I think- "If I could just have a good ten mile jog I would feel so much better." Unfortunately, physically that's not an option and I am having to find alternate ways to deal with stress, frustration, and emotions. I don't know why I never really anticipated what it would be like to not be able to run again, I should have planned better for that part.

Another thing I never really anticipated was all the worry. I worry about me. I worry about him. I worry about the delivery. I worry about after. I worry about taking care of him. I worry about feeding him. I worry about how much movement I have felt. I worry about every little tweak and change in my body. I worry about Sam. I worry about our relationship after the baby comes. I worry about balancing work and the baby. I worry about how much worrying I do. I feel like I am just constantly worrying about everything, and I can't seem to turn it off. I think part of it goes back to the fact that I have no control. If something is going to happen to me or the baby, its going to happen and there is not a lot I can do to prevent it. Knowing that I have no control causes me a lot more fear and anxiety. Its a scary place to be. I know that it all has to go back to faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father, but even knowing that does not take away all the fear and worry.

As I think about all of these emotional hurdles I am having to cross I can't help but think how minor those are in comparison to so many other problems I could have during pregnancy. I know I am lucky. It feels good to write things down, and get them out of my head. I know that the difficult parts for me will get better, and that it is good for me to learn that my whole self worth is not contingent upon how much I run or how in shape I get. Even if I am incredibly large, I can still be a good person. I hate that I have to tell myself that, because I don't feel like I discount other people's value based on their size, just my own. I guess I have not fully learned that lesson yet, and need to keep working on learning it. I am grateful for the challenges that being pregnant has presented to me, I know I can be a better person because of it. I never thought I would learn so much about myself by being pregnant, and I am so grateful for that. Another benefit of pregnancy I didn't anticipate. Even with all the negative things I didn't anticipate, I feel like there has been even more positives. Amazing how that works.

Ali's Shower {March 2, 2013}

Date: March 2, 2013

Time: 2-4 pm

Location: Rob and Syd's house- on the front patio

Temp: 70ish

Color scheme: Black, white, and gold

Food: Pulled pork sandwiches, tomato soup, sugar cookie pops, fruit, veggies, cake, chocolate dipped marshmallows, oreos, soda, and water

Flowers: From Costco- white with pink tips

Center pieces: black lanterns, gold mercury glass tea light holders, gold glitter dipped jars with roses

Take home Thank You gift: gold boxes with gumballs 

Decorations: Black and white table runners, center pieces, black white and gold paper lanterns, vases with flowers, homemade signs 

It turned out so nice, and we could not have asked for better weather. I could not have done it without Sydney's help. She was literally in charge of 90% of the food. What a fun day!