Pregnancy Thoughts

Being pregnant has been quite a journey for me. I think there were a lot of parts that I knew about and expected, and then there have been other parts that I did not anticipate at all. I know that everyone is different and that the whole pregnancy experience is so different for each woman (and each pregnancy). I have LOVED documenting my journey and looking back over it. I am sure that as time passes I will only love and appreciate my documentation even more. I would have loved my mom's documentation of her pregnancy, and I hope that my kids will one day want to read mine.

The past little while I have really struggled, emotionally. In my heart I am so grateful to be pregnant and have really tried to shy away from sharing too many of the hard parts. I decided yesterday that it was time to share a little better picture of what I have been feeling, not just all the happy exciting stuff. I hope that people understand these are not complaints, and that I am honestly happy to endure as many negative things as needed, if it means I get to have a beautiful little boy. I just need to get it out- and to better cope with my emotions and feelings.... that being said, here goes:

I never really anticipated how emotionally taxing it would be for me to gain so much weight and get so much bigger. I have felt like it is incredibly emotionally draining. I feel like that seems a little superficial, but its the truth. I have gained weight in the past, but never quite to this extent. I can say over and over in my head that its not just me gaining weight, and that weight gain is necessary, but it is still incredibly difficult watch your body literally balloon in front of your eyes. My emotional dilemma with weight gain goes far beyond the girl talk of "I want to loose 5 pounds." and the " I want to get into shape for swim suit season."  After high school I developed an eating disorder called hypergymnasia (which I swear I talk about all the time). I became OBSESSED with loosing weight and being thin, and I did an excellent job of deflecting attention away from my disorder. Unfortunately even though I have worked very hard to reduce my disorder's presence in my life, the obsessive thoughts and negative self talk is still very real. I remember looking in the mirror at the gym during one of my 5 hour gym sessions and only seeing the "extra weight" I was still carrying. That was during the time when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were really popular, and I use to read articles about how Nicole was 5'3" (my same height) and weighed 92 pounds. Instead of seeing that as a huge problem or something really terribly wrong with her- I viewed it as goal. I completely understand that my complex with weight gain is incredibly unhealthy and I have worked LONG and HARD to overcome and learn to deal with it. However, I would be lying if I said that pregnancy weight gain hasn't been incredibly difficult. I feel like I am just being extra lazy and that I am not as good of a person because I am so big. When people tell me how big I am, or that I am "looking huge" it just constantly reiterates to me the negative feelings I already have inside. I hate that I let what people say make me feel so upset. I feel like its a battle every day to tell myself that its ok, that I am not going to be this big forever, and that gaining weight for pregnancy is a privileged. But, it is still a battle every. single. day.

Not being able to run has also been really hard for me. I think my car crash was really good prep for me to be pregnant. After my crash I was unable to run to cope with life and I had SO many restrictions. I went through an emotional roller coaster on a near daily basis trying to cope with my injuries and with the fact that my main coping tool was no longer an option. It was hard, but I made through and was able to get back into running. I feel like I am back in that same boat again. I feel incredibly restricted and overwhelmed, and my go-to coping tool is again no longer an option. So many days I think- "If I could just have a good ten mile jog I would feel so much better." Unfortunately, physically that's not an option and I am having to find alternate ways to deal with stress, frustration, and emotions. I don't know why I never really anticipated what it would be like to not be able to run again, I should have planned better for that part.

Another thing I never really anticipated was all the worry. I worry about me. I worry about him. I worry about the delivery. I worry about after. I worry about taking care of him. I worry about feeding him. I worry about how much movement I have felt. I worry about every little tweak and change in my body. I worry about Sam. I worry about our relationship after the baby comes. I worry about balancing work and the baby. I worry about how much worrying I do. I feel like I am just constantly worrying about everything, and I can't seem to turn it off. I think part of it goes back to the fact that I have no control. If something is going to happen to me or the baby, its going to happen and there is not a lot I can do to prevent it. Knowing that I have no control causes me a lot more fear and anxiety. Its a scary place to be. I know that it all has to go back to faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father, but even knowing that does not take away all the fear and worry.

As I think about all of these emotional hurdles I am having to cross I can't help but think how minor those are in comparison to so many other problems I could have during pregnancy. I know I am lucky. It feels good to write things down, and get them out of my head. I know that the difficult parts for me will get better, and that it is good for me to learn that my whole self worth is not contingent upon how much I run or how in shape I get. Even if I am incredibly large, I can still be a good person. I hate that I have to tell myself that, because I don't feel like I discount other people's value based on their size, just my own. I guess I have not fully learned that lesson yet, and need to keep working on learning it. I am grateful for the challenges that being pregnant has presented to me, I know I can be a better person because of it. I never thought I would learn so much about myself by being pregnant, and I am so grateful for that. Another benefit of pregnancy I didn't anticipate. Even with all the negative things I didn't anticipate, I feel like there has been even more positives. Amazing how that works.