We started today out in the middle of the night when Hayes woke up coughing like a seal. It scared me to death. I literally thought he couldn't breath and I freaked out. I had no idea what to do. I hurried and googled it and found a few helpful tips (along with a few that were very unhelpful and down right scary). Hayes wasn't panicked and was kind of happy to be up and out of his bed in the middle of the night, I'm pretty sure he thought it was a party. I tried a few of the suggestions and put him back in his bed. I propped his door open and basically laid awake listening to him breath for the next two hours. Every fifteen or twenty minutes I would get up and go in and check on him. It was exhausting. I felt sick laying there and feeling so helpless. Luckily he was able to breath more easily again and fell back to sleep. I just kept saying a prayer that everything would be ok and he would be able to breath without problem. I literally have no idea how atheist or others who don't believe in prayer make it through parenting. I am pretty sure if I hadn't prayed the entire time, either Hayes or I wouldn't have made it through last night. I feel grateful for that blessing in my life, but also so sad for those who choose not to use it. I personally, don't feel like its much of a choice, I have to pray and I have to count on my Heavenly Father, otherwise I feel like things would not work out. I don't have enough faith in myself or in the world around me to rely on that, I need to pray and I need those blessings. I know that Heavenly Father has the ability to do the impossible, and also has the power to help me cope with the things that can't be changed. Either way, I need the blessings and the peace that I feel when I pray.
We woke up the next day and Hayes was acting like his normal self. He was a little cranky (but I felt cranky too, from the lack of sleep) but overall, pretty normal. Hayes has turned into quite a wild man. He literally has no fear. He is also very strong and strong willed. He pushes and pulls things and gets mad and moves things that shock even me. "How on earth did you move that? "I think to myself. He also gets REALLY frustrated really easily. If something doesn't go the way he wants it to or if something gets stuck, he get SO mad, which I realize can be a typical two year old thing, but he takes it to a whole new level. When he gets frustrated, he throws the BIGGEST FITS! Like on the ground, kicking, screaming, and the whole nine yards. It was cute for ten seconds, and now it's awful. Well, today, he was in my room with me while I was getting ready for work. I was looking in my closest for clothes and he was playing with my hats and shoes. He also really loves to look as himself in the mirror. We have a TV in our room on a small stand. Hayes likes to pull my scarfs out of the drawers. This morning he went over and tried to open the drawer, but it was stuck. He got mad, and yanked and yanked and yanked on it, all of the sudden the whole thing came toppling over, right on top of Hayes. I FREAKED OUT! I just grabbed him and pulled him out from underneath it as quickly as I could. It was SO scary. He got a bruise on his forehead and both of us got a huge scare. He was crying, I was crying and Gator was hiding behind the couch in the other room. It was the most awful thing.
A few minutes later he wanted me to put him down and let him run (much to my relief). He bolted back into our bedroom and started climbing on the tipped over TV. SERIOUSLY!!! I thought! That thing just landed on top of you and you just want to run back over and do it again?? What's wrong with you!! (all of these thoughts in my head) I was so mad at him, didn't he realize how hurt he could have gotten and now he was climbing on it again??? What are you doing, I thought to myself?? He started pulling on the cords and I lost it! I scooped him up and took him out of the room and locked the door behind me. "We are NOT playing in there anymore Hayes." He lost it and started throwing one of his fits. I was mad at him for wanting to go back in and play with the thing that just landed on him and for not learning his lesson. I guess I wanted him to be more sensitive to the fear that I had just felt for him and to give me more than two minutes to recover. I realize he couldn't even begin to think about how I was feeling and what I felt for him, but I was still mad at him. Maybe mad is the wrong word, scared for him? Worried about him? Fearful that he had almost gotten really hurt and then even more fearful that he was going to get hurt again? Mad at myself for not watching him closer? Mad at myself for not securing the TV to the wall? Mad at myself for not being able to stop something bad from happening to my baby? Maybe all of the above.
It's a crazy thing parenting. Every emotion you feel is so in heightened its hard to really understand what you're feeling, especially when it's your first. It's a hard thing to describe to someone all the thoughts that run through your head regarding every little and big thing that happens to your child. I am pretty sure that's because the fear and worry are equivalent to the love. The love you have for your child is so huge that it literally can be all consuming and because it is, everything feels huge. Failures feel huge. Mistakes feel huge. Could have, would have, should haves feel huge. Worry feels huge. Guilt feels all encompassing. Regret is gigantic. It's all just enormous and today I have felt completely inadequate of that kind of emotion. I felt like a terrible mother. I was so sad for my little boy. I was so mad at the situation, and then I felt enormous guilt for feeling mad. I felt awful that something happened and that it could have been worse. I felt bad that Hayes didn't understand what had happened and didn't learn his lesson to stop pulling on things so violently. I was sad that he gets so frustrated and that I'm not exactly sure how to help him. I try to explain things to him and help him calm back down, but sometimes that feels so inadequate. It was one of those days that you sit back and question every thing you've ever done and every choice you've ever mad. It was definitely a "Wo is me" day.
Hayes is ok, I checked, re checked, and checked again every limb and inch of him. I checked, and rechecked him for signs of a concussion. I asked him a bazillion questions to make sure he could hear and speak and understand. He's fine. He has a bruise on his forehead and a scratch on his foot, but he's fine. My mama heart is still so broken, but mending. Again, after that happened I just prayed and prayed and prayed and I don't really think I have stopped praying even still. I am slowly getting some peace and letting go of the situation. The thing I am having to learn, in the hardest way possible, is that being a parent means that you have to learn to forgive yourself. I didn't mean for Hayes to get hurt. I know there are things that I can do better, but I am trying. I want to be a good mom. I want to protect my baby and I want him to never ever get hurt. But I can't stop or prevent everything. Sometimes, things just happen. More likely than not, he will have something else that will happen and he will get hurt again. I have to try my best, and then, I have to let it go. That, however, has proven to be the hardest part. Forgiving yourself and letting things go are so much easier said than done. It's a process. I know there is no way I could ever begin to forgive myself without the power of prayer. Isn't that strange? We always thinking about praying and asking for forgiveness from our Heavenly Father for us, and helping us forgive someone who has wronged us, but the most underrated forgiveness is learning to forgive ourselves. For me, that is the hardest one. I just keep telling myself that if Heavenly Father and Jesus can forgive me, than I better learn how to too.
I'm so grateful to be Hayes's mom. It has already been such a wild ride even in these two short years. It is the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever been a part of. I'm grateful that my Heavenly Father trusted me with such a special and spunky boy. He has taught me so many things and continues to teach me every single day. I never knew how many short comings I had until I had Hayes, but I also never knew how much love I had to offer. I never knew how much determination I had until I had Hayes. Because I have so many things to work on, I know I have to try that much harder each day. I know that without Hayes I would have never been able to see that. I know that in my core I love that child more than anything else in this entire world. I never fully understood the concept when people would say they would give their life for someone else, but without hesitation I would do that for Hayes. In the same respect, he gives me so much to live for. He makes me want to take better care of myself and to be the healthiest version of myself that I can be. He needs me, he needs me to be healthy and active and able to play with him. He needs me to have energy and not get sick. He needs his mom almost as much as I need him. It's amazing how that works. Babies are so dependent on their parents for every little thing, but for me, I am equally as dependent on Hayes for more than I even realize. I may not need him to make my meals or to change my diaper, but I need him in so many more ways than he needs me. Physically I need him to push me and to make me do better and to be better. Emotionally, I need him to help make me happier, more humble, and more aware of myself and people around me. Having a baby, and for me, having Hayes has changed my spirituality. It's amazing how much you depend on your Heavenly Father when it comes to parenting. It's amazing the insight it give me into how my Heavenly Father must feel about me. It's incredible to feel and see how close our Heavenly Father really is to us, and how close babies and children are to him. His presence is undeniable. I owe the biggest and deepest parts of my testimony and who I am to Hayes and the experiences we have had with him. Today was a hard day, but I know that tomorrow will be better and knowing that helps get me through.
The other thing I really love about being Hayes's mama is that when I get home from work, I know he'll be as glad to see as I am to see him. He doesn't hold a grudge or continue to punish me because we had a rough morning, he's just happy. That's another lesson I am learning from him. These lessons never seem to end.
Parenting is something else I tell you.
The other thing I really love about being Hayes's mama is that when I get home from work, I know he'll be as glad to see as I am to see him. He doesn't hold a grudge or continue to punish me because we had a rough morning, he's just happy. That's another lesson I am learning from him. These lessons never seem to end.
Parenting is something else I tell you.
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